One in five men and one in four women admitted to checking their partner’s smartphone in a survey with 13,132 respondents conducted by Avast in the United States.
These days, smartphones have made it very easy to snoop through your partner’s phone
According to therapist Dr. Samantha Rodman: “I can’t tell you how many times clients come to me with information that they have gleaned from checking their partners’ phone. Some people will come in with screenshots of text conversations between their partner and others, hoping to dissect them to determine whether their partner was flirting or whether the conversation was just platonic”
We understand that it can be tempting to go through your partner’s phone, this has been proven to be a major bone of contention between couples from time immemorial. The constant fear of infidelity or sometimes trivial issues fuels this behavior which many consider disrespectful, intrusive, or sometimes, pretty much, don’t care about it.
The effect of snooping through your partner’s phone can be ruining and devastating to your relationship. We will be sampling opinions of some marriage/ relationship therapists on the causes and effects of this behavior which they term toxic.
Why Do People Go Through Their Partner’s Phone?
Trust Issues: People who behave this way often are suffering from trust issues which might be a result of something that their partner did or trauma they might have suffered earlier in life. Psychologist Ryan Howes said: “It says that you don’t trust that what your partner tells and shows you is who they really are and, that their true self is reflected in their communication and searches on their phone.”
Snooping through your partner’s phone tends to breed secretive behavior, thereby giving more grounds for your mistrust to grow. “When people sneak a peek at their partner’s phone, it feeds secrecy and distrust into the relationship, both of which are likely to be the primary reasons the person is checking in the first place,”
“So while this may seem in the moment as a good idea and justified, it only creates more of the problems that need to be resolved,” said Kurt Smith, a therapist who counsels men.
Communication Problems: According to psychologist and sex therapist Shannon Chavez, checking a partner’s phone may also be tied to issues around intimacy and communication. If the couple isn’t open with one another, problems are left unaddressed and suspicions begin to fester. Rather than confronting the issues head-on, the spying partner might feel the need to do some digging because it seems easier than having a potentially tense conversation.
“The problem is that checking a partner’s phone has become easier than being vulnerable and sharing how you are feeling and why you feel compelled to check the phone,” Chavez said.
“Secondly, you can outright ask your partner for more transparency about their communication with certain people. Some partners will agree to have you look at their texts as they have nothing to hide:” Dr. Samantha
And if your partner hasn’t been particularly forthcoming with you lately ― maybe he or she seems off but you can’t figure out why ― you might look through their phone for answers as to what they’re thinking or feeling.
“There might be a curiosity of what is going on in their life if they are not communicating as much with you,” Chavez added.
This behavior can also be triggered as an aftermath of cheating or several flirtations,
People think that even if they forgive their partner for cheating, they deserve the right to look through their partner’s phone forever after. This checking behavior can persist for weeks, months, even years after the partner’s unfaithfulness, and has nothing to do with anything that the partner is currently doing.
Is It Right To Do This? Snooping through your partner’s phone goes both ways sometimes you might find something harmless and blow it out of proportion, thereby putting an unnecessary strain on your relationship.
Psychoanalyst Claudia Luiz makes it clear that going through someone’s phone without their permission is a violation of their privacy. “Of course it is!” she said while talking to Elite Daily
I doubt if you will be happy having someone to go through your phone at the slightest chance, would you?
Chavez said: “To check a phone without consent shows that there is a communication breakdown. Looking for something on your partner’s phone without permission immediately breaks trust to fulfill your own needs. It leads to suspicions and assumptions that trigger insecurities and upset.”
It turns you to someone you are not, someone riddled with insecurities without self-esteem or integrity, nothing as low as snooping around like a criminal. Laurel House, a dating and empowerment expert confirms this in her statement:
“Looking at your partner’s phone shows distrust and insecurity, and it builds on itself, possibly even becoming an obsession,”
As long as you indulge the “checking” behavior, it will expand and become a major focus of your thoughts. It becomes almost akin to obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and in some cases, the behavior becomes so extreme that it does become an outright obsession.
Sometimes, it has been proven to be a projection of the snooping partner’s behavior on the other, might be the person actually involved in inappropriate behavior, hence, feels the significant other might be cheating.
While it has been agreed that going through your significant other is not right, some relationships have thrived on this strange culture, but of course, it was based on mutual understanding. Some relationships that have seen better days too, adapt this anomaly to assure their partner they won’t be cheating, a sort of transparency tool.
Relationships, generally, have no laid down rulebook, what works for Mr A might not work for Mr B. When you get to the point when you have to go through your partner’s phone each time, pause and ask yourself these question:
What am I trying to prove? Is this a reflection of my own behaviour? (our actions, afterall, is who we are)
Is this relationship going off? ( when you are constantly compelled to snoop, something might be off with the relationship) Is it worth jeopardizing my relationship for? (caught snooping doesn’t always go down well)
Am I ready for this? (Seven out of ten women and more than half of men who turn to their partner’s device to find proof their partner is deceiving them have found evidence- Avast)
Whatever is your answer to these questions, going through your partner’s phone shows there are issues in the relationship, and until these issues are addressed, snooping won’t solve any problem.
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