Five Parenting Styles That Need To Be Changed

By Nnenna Joseph

Toxicity is a degree to which a substance may harm a cell or organism. This substance can be tangible or intangible. Nigeria is made up of 33,652,424, youths which comprise 42% of the population, yet we have been unable to collectively demand good governance, accountability from a 5% ruling class.

Tracing backwards, some of the methods of our upbringing which our parents deemed the best at the time contributed to this. However, the road towards becoming an adult requires that we unlearn some of these things in order to learn our lives here on earth to the fullest.

Some of these behaviours are unconsciously destroying and damaging our relationship with other people.

Below are 5 seemingly “normal” characters we learnt from our parents that we have to unlearn. As a parent, these are 5 toxic traits you need to keep far away from your children.

Compassion

Nigerian parents who raised kids in the 90s and 2000s did not teach children to be compassionate, take a look at twitter and facebook for instance. When something bad happens to someone, the victim is dragged and blamed.
For instance, If a call girl otherwise called Ashewo gets killed in a hotel room by ritualists, instead of feeling sorry for her, she had a family, a life, siblings, aspirations etc and she lost all of that, Nigerian parent’s reaction which has been transferred to their children is- “She got what she deserved, it is her fault, she is a prostitute”. The deceased is the culprit.

As a people we were not raised to have compassion, in this regard she should be the victim but she gets a large percentage of the blame for the incident.
A Nigerian feels every misfortune on a person whose opinions vary from theirs is deserved. Among christians, if a white garment worshipper falls sick, it is translated as God’s way of punishing him, he therefore deserves to be sick.

An average Nigerian is not taught compassion, being kind to others without expecting a reward, showing genuine interest in a person’s predicament without blaming them is a rare virtue in Nigeria.

In a recent analysis of Nigeria Demographic and Health Survey (NDHS) 2013 data, Dahlui et al. showed that about half of Nigerians still exhibited a stigmatizing attitude against People Living with HIV. This includes, distancing from them, chasing them out of the house, dehumanizing them verbally and physically, dissociations etc.

Dictionary meaning says compassion is a sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others. This is void of blame, or weighing if they are deserving of it or not. “The victims should be treated with compassion”

In 2014, the first time I was in University of Nigeria Nsukka as a fresher, I wore an above the knee short to Ogige market. Coming from Lagos state where it was not supposed to cause a stir, I felt comfortable in my outfit. As I was trying to walk across the road to where I will buy tomatoes, I saw a mad man looking at me intensely, eyeing my outfit from a one pole distance, I became uncomfortable. Next, the mad man charged towards me, it was obvious he was walking briskly towards me to hurt me, onlookers cleared the road for him. Noticing that i and the madman have become the center of attraction, i fled, i ran into a nearby shop for succor because i saw the shop owner is an elderly woman, old enough to be my mother but she pushed me out, cursing me for wearing something so short to the market and i deserved to be chased and hurt by a mad man if that’s what it will take to teach young girls like me a lesson. I heard roars of laughter from onlookers. I realised at that point that I was alone, I flagged down a bike, jumped on it narrowly escaping the mad man’s rage. Osinachi.

This story shows us how Nigerians can be with compassion.

A profound sense of entitlement

Nigeran’s sense of entitlement would be really surprising to persons outside the country.
It is almost laughable when we see people post pictures of expensive items they bought for themselves on social media and people go ahead to ask them why they did not use the money to help the poor. Why tell people what to do with the money they made for themselves.

The origin of this is in our culture, our culture is communistic, which means a rich man in the community is expected to help members of the community. Growing up, when an uncle who is perceived rich, and who has family problems of his own does not give money to you, he is termed stingy, irresponsible and wicked.

Society has evolved, in a bid to help incapacitated family members – a rich man can go so broke and become unable to feed his own family. this has put to bed the communistic living and everyone has to understand that NOBODY OWES YOU ANYTHING.

Black tax is the term used to describe how black wealth spread backwards. “Black tax” is income blacks who earn a living give to their families to support them. It impacts the ability for many black professionals to be able to save and build generational wealth.

In a typical Nigerian family, just like many black families, once someone starts to earn, they are expected to cater for all their family members- nuclear and extended.
This might be a good step, but it breeds undue expectations.

My friend Onyii and I have been best friends since childhood, but recently, I cut her off. Onyii has aunexplainable sense of entitlement that almost nauseates. I told her I was expecting money from my suitor abroad who I have never met but he promised me $2,000 last christmas. I planned to start a business with it and I shared my ideas with my friend. To my greatest surprise she immediately started making her own plans off of the money I hadn’t even received. She told me to give her a whopping N200,000 off the money for no reason. I was shocked because i can’t remember owing her any money at all. Apparently, she feels, as she is my friend and I have money, she is eligible to make demands for being my friend. I was shocked at the entitlement and I did not hesitate to tell her. After Christmas and the money was not forthcoming I told her the same that the young man was starting to give me excuses. She complained and nagged, pointing out that it was my stinginess and refusal to give her a part that caused my suitor to change his mind. I knew that was the end of the road for our friendship. Jennifer.

Vulnerability to intimidation
This is not applicable to a percentage of parents, however, a large percentage of parents raise their children to be vulnerable to intimidation without knowing. “Let it go for peace to reign” “Apologise for peace to reign” even when you are right is a popular phrase in Nigerian homes. This invariably has a devastating effect on the child such as reducing the child’s self worth and ability to stand their ground.

In the long run this begs the question, when will they grow to stand up for themselves and say, I am right, I won’t apologise. The country is in the shape it is because youths were not taught to stand and fight, we were taught peace. Bad leaders can get away with anything because the youth who should fight are not angry enough in their spirit. They are afraid to protest, they are afraid to cause a fight, they just want peace in their corner.

Many have gone to jail because they apologised for things they did not do, it was turned to evidence and used against them in the court of law. As a rule of life, Never apologise if you are not wrong.

Beating without correction
This article is indifferent about physical punishment, as a Nigerian born in the 90s upwards getting beaten formed a huge part of growing up. It had its merits and demerits which is not the focus here.
The issue here is that some of those beatings we got, till date we are yet to decipher what we did wrong. You just got beaten with no reason or explanation.
Dear parents, this did not achieve any result.

If you decide to apply corporal punishment to your children, it is only fair to explain before the punishment what did they did wrong.

Everyone is your Enemy
Who and which religion convinced Nigerian parents that neighbours are enemies, relative
s are always seeking your downfall. Before now, Nigerians were very communistic, an Igbo adage say “Agbataobi onye bu nwanne ya” a man’s neighbour is his brother.

How we arrived at the spot where we are afraid to tell our neighbours we are travelling to the village for christmas or give details of our success to avoid our goodwill being tampered with or someone positioning an accident is surprising.

A large percentage of Nigerian parents warn their children never to take food, snacks, even pen from their friends and classmates in school. This diffuses the child’s mind to become suspicious of everyone and everything around him at such a young age.

Teaching at a primary school in Awka opened my eyes to the effect of turning children against each other. One day, Chinecherem, one of my pupil’s food, poured while she was coming from the assembly. During break she had nothing to eat. I asked her classmates to donate food for her. I was overwhelmed at the love they showed her. They were willing to give a fraction of their food to her but Chinecherem burst out crying. Teacher, she said, “i don’t want to eat, i am not hungry” i asked her why she was crying. She said her mother will beat her if she found out she ate out of her classmate’s food.

I was not surprised, I was raised like that too. I asked the class, “if this happened to any of you, whose food will you eat?” To my amazement no one in that class agreed they will eat from any other person’s lunch. When i pried why, they said poison, others said initiation into secret cults of some sort. Then it struck me that this was damaged.

Read Also: Why Child Discipline, Domestic Violence Thrive In Nigerian Homes

Imagine parents who have never met each other turning 8 year old against themselves, planting distrust in their heart at such a young age. At that age their heart is supposed to be void of these levels of distrust and suspicion. Jennifer

As evolving parents of the 21st century, it is important to raise our children better than our parents did, we should teach them to earn a living from an early age, teach them to never expect or demand favors from anyone. Teach them that nobody owes them anything, teach them to stand for their right and never succumb to intimidation.
Never beat your children without correcting them, teach them to be compassionate and love their neighbours. Teach them not to be scared of the world around them.
It will save the future generation.