The Most Common Types Of Emotional Abuse

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By Nnenna Joseph

Has someone ever said something to you that hurt you? Something that made you check your life again, their words made you feel valueless. Has someone ever made you do something you did not want to do by using words to devalue you?

 

Often times we hear these statements;

  • Your family is poor and wretched, if not for me marrying you, you would have died in poverty 
  • Why will you work when we have children to take care of, I work why you take care of the children, that’s your work as a woman
  • If both of us work, our children will go astray, you have to be a housewife to train them
  • Look at your mates giving their wives cars, yet you have nothing to give me
  • I don’t like XYZ person(s) as your friend, cut them off
  • Do not think you are better than me cos you landed a high paying job, the recruiters were out of options. 
  • Snooping through your messages and calls to pick a fight later
  • I pitied you and married you, when I was single so many men were after me
  • You are ugly and shapeless
  • This is your fat body, it wasn’t like that when I married you, if I cheat, it is not my fault. 
  • You are dumb and unintelligent, why will anyone want to employ you
  • Such a handsome/pretty person asked you out? That’s impossible/ miracles happen
  • Better accept Mr. A to marry you, don’t you know nobody will marry a fat woman 
  • You are getting old, and no man in your life and you still have spec?
  • You will never make it in this life, you are a dullard and unintelligent, I am disappointed.

 

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The instances are endless.  

Do these words feel familiar? Do they look normal? Actually, they are not good. Let’s discuss emotional abuse. 

What is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse is any word, action, or inaction that makes you feel less of yourself, question yourself, your sanity, or your truth. Someone Manipulating another into doing what they want simply because they love you or do not have a choice is emotional abuse. This can be verbal or behavioral.

Short illustrations of emotional abuse

Amara and Iyke are dating, Iyke is a serial cheat, whenever he is caught he tells Amara that he is a handsome and successful young man and she is lucky to have him. He constantly reminds her that she is fat, ugly, shapeless, and not up to his standard, he is just managing her, and if he leaves her no man will ever look at her. 

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Nnenna and Johnson are in a relationship, Nne’s family does not approve of her relationship with Johnson, she wants to leave the relationship but Johnson tells her if she really loves him, she would choose him over her family. 

Joy and Ifeanyi are married, Ifeanyi is a photographer who is still working his cut up the ladder. Every morning Joy reminds Ifeanyi that she can get any man she wants, she just settled for him and his lazy self, she regrets marrying him. 

Charles forgot his wife Chidera’s birthday, he comes home to a wife wearing a long face, he keeps asking what he did wrong but she goes on and on for days without talking to him. He is frustrated, he goes to work and he is unable to focus. His beloved wife is giving him the silent treatment. 

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Chukwuma is an SS3 student who has mental retardation, the inability to assimilate quickly which means he does not understand while his teachers teach. Back to back, he has always been the last person in his class. His father looked at his result booklet, shook his head, and said “You are not my son, you are a disappointment. With this, you can never make it in life” 

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It is shocking that many people suffer emotional abuse without even knowing 

Without overplaying, it is obvious most people have had the above words said to them. These are forms of emotional abuse. Words are swords, they can pierce through the deepest hearts.

Most people are carrying hurtful words said to them more than 10 years ago and it has formed a major part of their lives, it informs their decision. Some adults would say “I am not good at anything, i never have, i will never be” When looked into, this will be as a result of something they were told when they were kids and this takes root in their life. Who knows what they might turn out as.

 

Red flags to look out for

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We do not choose our parents and family, but we have the right to choose our life partner and friends. Here are some of the signs to look out for to identify if your partner or friend is abusive.

It is important to note that some abusers are unintentional, they might actually mean well for you or call themselves blunt friends who tell you the truth. Look out for these too.

 

  • Gaslighting- Do you find yourself questioning your own memory of an event because your partner has twisted the whole story?
  • Bickering- constantly arguing over petty and trivial matters
  • Never at fault- Does your partner always throw blames at you and he/she is never at fault?
  • Apology- Do you find yourself apologizing to them even when you are not wrong? They manipulate your words and actions to the point you doubt your own actions and apologize. That is not a good sign.

 

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What to do in such situation 

  1. Identify that this word or action is abusive. By reading this, you must have been familiar with how abuse and abusers operate 
  2. Understand that they are lying to you, it is not your fault, you are the victim, not the villain, stand by your truth
  3. Point it out to them that they are being abusive
  4. Don’t let their words mean anything to your or take root in your subconscious 
  5. If it is over the top, disassociate from such persons
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The opinions, beliefs and viewpoints expressed by the author and forum participants on this website do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs and viewpoints of Anaedo Online or official policies of the Anaedo Online.

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