There are days when a man comes home desperate for rest after a day’s exhaustive work and just wants to just hit the bed and sleep off without thinking of sex. And there are other days when husbands are as active as you can ever imagine, but there is no accompany libido for a hot night from their wives.
What do many couples do in such an instance? Many spouses just put forward their best excuse and go on auto-pilot. The truth is if you do this often, you will blow your relationship that you have laboured to build over the years.
A few years ago I was privileged to counsel a wonderful couple in my office and below was the conversation that ensued as I tried to help them enjoy the beautiful gift of sex.
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Husband: “Madam, when it comes to bedroom activities my wife is good at giving all forms or shades of excuses just to avoid sex. As a matter of fact giving of excuses is what she does for a living!”
The amazing response from the wife was: “Madam, if something is sweet would you refuse to eat it even when you are tired?” Needless to say that the statement of the wife was loaded.
Let me begin by saying that to avoid excuses for dodging sex, it really takes two to tango.
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Let’s look at some things that spouses can do together to prevent unwanted excuses and see how we can handle them for real. Truth be told, many excuses centre around activities because they have pending work to complete.
Wife if you find yourself reaching out for the laundry basket in a bid to deliberately ignore your husband’s advance, or when your husband deliberately grabs his computer when he notices his wife is trying her best to reach out to him, then it’s time to stop this becoming a pattern.
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Clearly, you two are trying to avoid your spouse and if he or she fails to realize that today, they will definitely do so tomorrow. You can bust this excuse by asking yourself an honest question: do I really need to complete this task now? Can it not be done at a later time? If your phone takes your attention more than your partner does, put it out of the bedroom entirely.
Most times the challenge of many couples is that they don’t have privacy when it comes to their sex life and their children’s demands. When couples are always bothered that the kids might walk in or call for attention, they won’t engage in sex for fear of their kids walking in while they are at it.
Though this excuse may be true initially, it eventually becomes a survival gambit. This is the refuge many mothers and wives runs to; it really never helps matters at all. But instead of this destroying the good time you share together you could have your friends or relatives take your kids over for a day or two.
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Remember that your relationship is as important as your kids and teaching them that you and your spouse need some private time now and then will help them learn about boundaries and their importance early in life.
I heard a wife scream at her husband over the phone some time ago, while both were arguing over who to help out the in-laws. She shouted and said: “I am mad at you and I can’t think of even having sex with you now or ever!”
Many couples have destroy their marital bed with this type of attitude to an irrevocable limit. Words are not cheap, words create atmosphere, especially so when spoken in a certain way. When couples habitually speaks words that destroy the sexual interest of the other partner, it is harder for such relationships to enjoy the best of intimacy. What invariable happens is excuses become the order of the day.
But I tell couples that they will always find something or the other that will trouble their minds as far as their relationship is concerned, because the fellow we are married to will, shall and may offend us often, if not daily. Remember, offences comes from close quarters and close proximity.
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Now using anger as your stalling tactic can bring a lot of unwanted damage to your relationship. If you are resentful of every slight mistake and you allow it to be a sex deal breaker, just know that in a matter of time you will hate that spouse. You will never see anything good about him or her. So give room for weaknesses to grow into strength.
He wants to have sex but you cannot because all you are thinking about is ‘I am menstruating.’ You may really be having your period, but if you use that a lot of times as a blanket excuse, you could be building relationship problems over time.
If you just cannot think about having sex when you are having periods, let your husband know and he will respect that. But, remember that you don’t always have to have penetrative sexual encounters to perfect your intimacy levels, you could cuddle, hug and smooch.
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photo credit: lifestyle.Thecable.cm.ng
Another big myth many wives believe is they think they must have orgasm in each and every sexual encounters time. I am not sure this is the truth. One wife told me while I was trying to let her know that female sexuality differs from woman to woman. She said: “Madam, there is no point having sex if I never get to have an orgasm anyway. I have tried and tried and I just can’t achieve one.”
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Therein lies the problem. Wives quit trying to have an orgasm. Husbands quit trying to give your wives an orgasm, just enjoy the act like normal humans and not try having sex like experts! You are putting yourselves under undue sexual pressures.
Wives please remember that your husband may not have experimented with all the moves to help you reach orgasm, but putting it out openly to him that there’s no point to having sex without climax, is like destroying his manly ego and also truncating all the possibilities of enjoying sex. Imagine how you’d feel if he told you that you never did anything right to please him. You’d want to know what it is that you can do to make him feel nice.
Our case is different: we work round the clock. It is common in relationships for couples to work round the clock. But, then who said that sex has to happen at a certain time, in a particular place, or for a particular period of time? You could meet up for lunch at a guest house and have the best of sex, or wake up in the middle of night and have a passionate sex. Although, this may not seem like much of a long-term solution, it is one of the best ways in which you can preserve intimacy.
I’m too tired for sex tonight. If you have an energy-sapping, task-filled activities kind of job, you have the luxury to present this excuse to brush-off almost everything that you do not want to do and that includes sex. But be assured that sex will not take a whole night to end and spoil your sleep. In fact, it will help you sleep better.
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Moreover, if you really can’t think about sex, you can wisely present it to the partner that is burning with desire in such a way that it will not subject your marriage to relationship turbulence.
I can’t miss my favourite soap opera; there is too much to see on the TV. No matter how lame this may seem, entertainment does have more significance than real life sometimes. Even though staying up a night to watch your favourite soap opera or reality show when your partner goes to bed is all right, but picking fictional characters over your spouse over the years can hurt the relationship. powering down all the electronic equipment at least an hour before getting to bed can make things more favourable for couples.
Oh, not again! I thought we already have enough sex! Is sex your food? We often tend to compare our sex lives with that of somebody else’s that we come to know of either in the office or elsewhere. What matters is not the number of times that your best friend has sex with her husband but the number of times that he or you want. An average number should depend on your spouse’s need and your sensitivities to each other’s happiness and satisfaction.
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Wives often think a great body equals great sex so when they think they are not looking good, they say “I don’t feel very nice about my body right now.” While on one hand, women put their vanity over intimacy, on the other hand, all men think about is that they want you and not whether you have mascara on your face or a “fall down dead” thighs.
If you think you are fat and losing some pounds would make you feel better about yourself, then go ahead with it. The very thought that you would set forth on your route to a better frame will make you feel better about yourself. You could also get yourself new lingerie or haircut to feel better.
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